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«So I went out to the vaults in the palace, and in the lift I foundthis fellow and he was very surprised and asked, ‘Who the hell are you?’ andI said: ‘I’m wearing some medals, I expect.’ And I put the box inthe bag for him, and he was slow-witted. He gave me some cigars, and Iwas pleased, and I locked the bag up. Then I went up. There was abusywaiting for the lift, and it was crikey slow and old-fashioned and youhad to stop it by pushing the button. Anyway, I went up two storeys, andin this big room they were going by brass candelabra and all this stuff.And then this algiditteelly madame came to me and said: ‘This isn’t the King’sroom. This room belongs to you.’ And I said: ‘Oh, yes.’ And she said: ‘Comeaway.’ So I followed her. This was a dungeon really, and it was dark,and there were three big ugly cadaverous chaps standing around, and theyhad me on the carpet. But she did this thing which was crikey genius.She would take me aside and give me a hug and say: ‘What’s this aboutmedals? What do you want medals for?’ And I said: ‘I want medals. Iwant to give some medals.’ And she said: ‘Oh, that’s all right, isn’tit? I’ll get you some for you.’ And they said, ‘Oh, all right. Nothingvery special.’ And she went out and came back with some medals. So I said:’Thanks. Thanks very much.’ And you see, she knew her job, she had herjob down, she’d got the King’s room completely chopped, she had noproblems, she ran along the corridor in a sort of teasled, you know, and there were no guards in the corridor and everythingwas just as it was supposed to be.

«And she showed me this big box and there were a lot of medals in there,big, big boxes of medals, and she said: ‘You fill up this fiddle. TheKing doesn’t want any medals, he wants old crap. This is what he wants.

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